E-mail I Should be Ashamed to Write…

…but I’m not.

The Setup:
I was traveling and had no access to my documents but could read e-mail.  SalesGuy was asking me what our bill rate was for a specific resource, which involves looking at a pricing model and finding a value in the relevant cell after entering some basic parameters like “pay grade.”  There was no way I could do it on the run, but anybody could have and SalesGuy left voice mail, e-mails and even called several of my key personnel, who then came back to me with the SAME QUESTION that should have been a simple task.

The last e-mail was the last straw…My Response:
This is ridiculously simple if you’re in front of a computer.  As you know, I am not, have not been and probably will not be for most of the week due to my travels.  But all of you are, so here’s your guide-

Step 1: open a pricing model.
Step 2: fill it out.

No amount of email, mms, text, iMessage or phone calls will change this two step instruction set. Follow it and your fantasies will become reality. Well, mine will, anyway because my fantasy is to not answer questions like “what’s the bill rate?” because the bill rate is a question for sales and FinanceGuy. Why it’s up to FinanceGuy, I don’t know. He does some sorcery thing and BLAMMO, our bill rates are higher on May 1 than April 30. That’s just witchcraft. Really, though, it’s up to sales.

Now I did leave off a step; that’s the part where you futz with the margin and look at the hourly rate it spits out. But then, we NEVER do that step. That’s sales’ purview. And maybe Finance “Magic Sorceryman” Guy. But nobody else.  What I am suggesting is this matter could have been resolved long before I crafted a snarky and, if I do say so, freaking hilarious email from 30000 feet on a dying battery. How it could have been resolved is like so:

Someone, anyone really, who was interested in this matter could have, say, opened a pricing model. Someone totally NOT interested in this could also have done so but let’s say for the sake of argument those people have cooties. We don’t want cooties on our bill rates, do we?  No. So just people who want this information should even consider this dangerous course of action. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Pete, it can’t just be anybody. What if it’s a complete tard, like somebody not in delivery or outside the practice?”  Listen: my cousin Jerry had Down syndrome. Please don’t ever compare him to those rejects outside the practice. Even Jerry would object and I would absolutely have let HIM open the pricing model.

But he can’t. Jerry’s dead and has been for the last 15 years…but I bet he could still do a better job on this than has been done so far. Well, at least AS GOOD. And he’s DEAD.

All kidding aside, “who is going to review and approve it?” you might ask. Ah!  Well, certainly not anyone living, particularly since there is no pricing model yet opened, let alone filled out and ready to review (let’s not get ahead of ourselves, amirite?!) That said, I vote for Jerry, at least until something corporeal materializes. Once we take that big leap and open the model, a living person needs to fill it out and that’s the dangerous part because have you HEARD how much a wrist sprain hurts?  So definitely warn whoever does it to stretch first.

Now you can do this a couple ways. My favorite is to put numbers in the cells. You might prefer kanji or hiragana, in which case you’re going to want the Japanese language pack. I recommend against that because cooties. It’s your call, depending on who you enlist to take on this dangerous adventure. Preferably someone with a strong constitution, no cooties and definitely WITH a pulse.

Godspeed, intrepid adventurers. Good luck finding someone who can shoulder the burden ahead.

/definitely had a cousin Jerry with Down syndrome, awesome dude…
//he could not have done this because he would have been distracted…
///distracted by FinanceGuy’s wizardry

This reminds me…I have a few Jerry stories I need to share.  He never filled out a pricing model but did make everybody who ever met him happier for the experience.

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